


Arthur comforts you during a panic attack

by ArthurFlecksGirl



Category: Joker (2019)
Genre: Anxiety, Comfort, Diary, F/M, Fluff, Journal, Love, Mental Illness, Panic Attack, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:14:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27742078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArthurFlecksGirl/pseuds/ArthurFlecksGirl
Summary: You`re greateful for how far you and Arthur had come in your relationship, how much progress he made to experience true happiness. But then you discover one of his journal entries. Is he still in the same dark place he was before? Just the thought of him suffering is giving you a panic attack. But Arthur is right there with you…
Relationships: Arthur Fleck/You
Kudos: 10





	Arthur comforts you during a panic attack

The dim light from the tv screen was the only light that filled the living room. Murray Franklin was talking to a well known comedian. You watched Arthur resting on the couch. He was falling asleep during the live show, even though he was looking forward to this episode all day, he was so tired, his eyes got heavy when Ellis Draine and his Jazz Orchestra started playing already.   
"One day" you thought watching him breathe in and out like it was the easierest thing to do when you suffered from waht he had been through. One day he will be sitting on Murrays couch and telling his own jokes. And his idol will be proud of him like a father. Because he deserved it. He deserved the world.  
Arthur seemed at peace with himself sleeping. That was new. Which made you proud of how far you two have come in your relationship. He was getting better.You felt it every morning waking up, receiving your good morning kiss from his coffee stained lips and cigarette tasting breath. He was making baby steps but looking at it now, over a year later it was a total different world he was living in. The one you created together. Ever since you met him you wanted to cure him. To support and comfort him through everyday life. To help him out of his mindset which was all that he had known since he was little.   
People kept telling you that it was impossible to heal wounds like his. To heal someone that experienced his kind of trauma. That all he needed was proffessional help. But you knew that they missed out at something. Just because he needed his meds didnt mean that love wasnt the key for his cure. You knew that there were some scars hidden inside of him, buried so deep that it would take years to get through and be able to work on that. But you also knew that being loved was the only thing in this world that could ease Arthurs pain and make him the man he always wanted to be. He was destined to be.  
And every single day spent together was proof that he was making progress. His smile became more and more genuine. His laughing fits didnt happen as often anymore and if so they wouldnt last that long because you would hold him and help him breathe until it was over. He also told you about his journal entries and how they changed. His therapist was also seeing the changes. He was talking about how much more poetry and beautiful thoughts filled the pages.   
You gently stroke his hair. Watching him sleep always felt pretty intimate to you. He was so vulnerable and unaware of his beauty. But you knew that even in his sleep he was aware of another thing- your love. Thats why he was even able to get some sleep.   
You took another close look at his face. You could never get enough of him. It was risky to give him a kiss on his closed eyelids. Arthur had a very light sleep and could wake up any second but there was no way to fight the urge to do so. His eyelid fluttered under the soft touch of your bottom lip, but he didnt wake. You let your index finger travel over his dark eyebrows. They were shaped so perfectly, matching his piercing eyes and the slight circles underneath them. His body was still stressed out from work. His fragile body which was trying so hard not to break down while starving.  
His stomach problems caused by his meds was another thing you had to work through. You looked at the bowl on the table. he almost finished his soup today, which was a good sign. You smiled, got up from your knees and walked to his desk to get the empty cups of coffee from the morning. It was time to make the dishes.  
But the moment you grabbed the cups his journal distracted you. It was opened. You wondered about his last entries, the ones he wanted to show you because he wrote some new poems lately.  
It took you a moment to think about if it was even okay to have a look at the opened page but it was already too late. One sententence was marked, the letters thicker than the rest of the written words. It caught your eye without a warning. And when you read it, your heart stopped for a second.  
"I just hope my death makes more cents than my life"  
Why?  
Why the hell would he write something cruel like that?  
The letters started to blurr through your tears. One tear was falling upon the page. Right on the word HOPE.   
Shit. Now he would notice that you came near this page. You nerveausly grabbed a handkerchief and pressed it on the spot where the tear was soaking through the page. It was too late, making it look even worse.   
You started to cry , throwing the handkerchief on the floor.  
Why?  
Yo thought he was getting better. There was so much proof.  
Did he felt like his life was worthless?  
Didnt make any sense?  
Was he feeling like all of this wasnt making sense?  
You thought you helped him.   
Was it al in your mind? His proress? Him becoming a happier version of himself? Was it all a lie you told yourself?   
The possibility of Arthurstill being the same tortured soul as when you met him simply broke your heart.  
Why was a beautiful and gentle soul like him suffering so much? How cruel can the world be to him?   
Was he still wishing he was dead? Was he still lying in bed at night, fantasizing about ending his own life? Would he ever hurt himself again? Risking to being locked up at Arkham, so there was no chance to share a bed together? Just visits with him being handcuffed on the other side of the table? Was there still a chance he was that unhappy inside?  
Tears fell like rain.  
The pain inside your heart grew with every thought that crossed your mind. If life was still torture to him, why wouldnt he talk about this to you? Didnt he trusted you enough? Was he embarrassed about how he felt? Or was it simply because he didnt wanted you to get worried about his condition?  
It was all too much.  
You started to feel like your throath was getting tighter. Like the walls were closing in. Everything inside of you screamed. There was this nameless fear inside of your guts. Possesing you, hurting you. It was getting harder and harder to breathe.   
Dizzyness overcame you with all its power. Cold sweat. All of the sudden the happiness you felt while watching him sleep was being sucked out of your body. And now all you knew was fear. Liek it was the only emotion left in the world. Pure, naked fear in its rawest form.  
A panick attack.  
You had experienced this before but never this intense.  
You sat down on the chair, trying not to look at the opened journal again. It hurt so much. All of it did. Your body. Your heart. Mostly your heart. And your head. Both heavy from tears and the thought of Arthur being suicidal.  
Your breathing got heavier as you started to sobb.   
And then you heard Arthurs footsteps. His naked feet on the floor. You woke him up. He was finally resting and you woke him. This made you feel even worse.  
"Oh my god Y/N, darling. What happened?" He noticed your tears and heavy breathing.   
"Dont worry....Arhur....please....just go back to sleep okay? You need your sleep. You`ve been working hard today...."   
Arthur checked your pulse "Oh shit, your heart is racing. Did you took any medication? "  
"No..."  
"Did something else happen?" He checked your forehead, noticed your shaking hands. "Looks like you`re having a panick attack. I know the symptoms very well. I had so many in the past when I woke up from nightmares."  
You nodded. Still sobbing like a baby. Arthur gave you one of his handkerchiefes and started to stroke your hair "Oh darling, I kow this feels terrible. But it will pass. Just try to breathe. Breathe with me okay. Remember when you helped me breathe during my laughing fits? I will do the same with you now okay?"  
"Okay"  
Arthur lifted you up and carried you to the couch.   
"Is that okay? Is it comfortable?" you nodded. He was so caring it broke your heart. He cared so much about you, while inside he was suffering from so much pain.  
He positioned himself behind you, resting both of his hands on your tummy and told you to breathe in and out like he did. Until you felt your breath becoming one with his. Just as calm and deep.  
"Good" he whispered, his gentle fingers under your shirt. He knew that skin on skin contact helped calming you down.  
"You`re doing great" his voice was everythign you needed to hear.  
"Oh Arthur....I feel like I cant breathe...."  
"Shhhhhhtt.....baby I know. I know how it feels. Your body is telling you lies. You can breathe. Just do it with me."  
"You felt Arthurs chest lifting up and down, his warm breath in your neck. He was everything to you. You needed him to be happy.   
Arthur placed thoughtful kisses all over your neck. As soft as a butterflies wings. You tried to concentrate on the details. His long , dark eyelashes crossing the spot behind your ears. The tip of his nose tickeling you. His muffled "I love you`s".  
"I`m sorry I woke you up"  
"Dont be!"  
"There was this sudden fear coming over me. It was like....I thought I was dying."  
"I´m right here with you Y/N. Nothing bad is going to happen to you, I promise!"  
You nodded. Knowing he was right. Nothing could harm you with Arthurs arms around you. You just wished it was the same the other way around. Wasnt it the same?  
His journal said it wasnt. His written words hitting you like a knife.   
"Do you know what triggered this?" He asked you, while his hand was caressing your chest.  
Should you tell him? He would notice the wet spot on his journal page anyway.  
"Arthur I am so scared to tell you this but...I was ...oh god....I was looking at your opened diary page. It was lying on teh table when I was getting the coffee cups and there was this sentence that caught my eyes......" you started to sobb uncontrolable.  
"What page?" he asked "Please dont cry. Ohhhhhh please ...." he pulled you closer to his chest so his heartbeat was pressed against you.  
"You wrote....."I just hope my death makes more cents than my life...." Arthur. This hit me so hard. I didnt knew you still felt like this. I dont know.....what to say....I`m just.......oh Arthur....." you pressed yourself against him as if your life depended on it. Arthurs white shirt was now soaked with tears.  
"Ohhh nooo darling. That was my old journal. My therapist wanted to bring it back to her to proof how much progress I made since I met you!"  
You loosened your embrace to look him in the eyes "W-What?"  
"Yeah" he shrugged "I just marked the darkest pages to see how far we have come and stopped at this one before going to sleep."  
The weight of the world was falling off your shoulders "Really?"  
"Yes.....oh Y/N I am so sorry you had to go through these emotions just because I was so stupid to leave my old journal lying on the table. "  
"You are not stupid Arthur!"  
"Well this time I was"  
"It was my fault....I shouldnt have looked at the page in the first place".  
The air was finally coming back. Your body was starting to relax again.   
Arthur held you close in his arms "That was the old me. And yes sometimes I´m still having dark thoughts but its just.....echoes from the past. Its not part of our reality anymore. Its just ghosts. They`re not real. Just trying to tell me lies. So I am not listening to them . I´m listening to YOU. To your words of love and comfort. I`m save with you. And you are save with me. Remember?"  
"I remember Arthur. I love you so much!"  
"I love you more"   
"Thats impossible" you smiled, kissing his upper lip.  
Arthur rested his head in the crook of your neck whispering "If I`ve learned something from being loved, its one thing: Nothing`s impossible with you in my arms".


End file.
